Maple Leaves and Raven Feathers
by DDVZ
Summary: pending2! Freddie's Sunk. A shell of himself. She would never feel the same way, right? Well she did agree to skip school and spend the day with him...maybe there is hope... Seddie Ch5 done! M for dark topics, violence, and intimate relations etc. HIATUS!
1. mE, mYSelF, AnD i

Thoughts filled my mind. The whirring of cogs and gears could be heard audibly throughout the studio. My heart stalled and started, slowed and sped. Millions of images swarmed the confines, passing behind my eyes, trying to attack the cortex until it had either suffered too tremendously to bear the burden of living or...finally gotten what it wanted. It has a name, but that name is... Well, the name is emblazoned on the beast's cage, carved clearly into the stone base...resting in that dank and dour room full of dusty cobwebs. The monsters there screech and growl to symphonies of suffering and terror...always fulfilling desire. FULFILLING DESTINY! I know what the beasts names are...they are all one person. They are I; just as I am I. There is no me. Me was taken away. Long ago. Stolen by something far greater than myself. By forces too powerful for me, even now, to fully comprehend. Fredward Benson. Samantha Puckett.

Carly Shay? The cogs hit a jam. The gears struggle to keep turning, the machine begins to strain, and the theys transform back into the I. As the I remembers itself, the cobwebs are dusted away. The me has emerged once more: a belated and irritating reunion. An exasperating encounter. Must I always see it? Must I always get it back? I don't need it; I don't want it. Keep it; it's yours. It has always been yours.

The darkness of night shrouds the room and compliments my mood; the light only mocks it. The sun burns down upon my monastery and destroys the gloom...or so it thinks. It really only condenses it, pushes it into the corners as it pierces through the windows. Soon even the corners are brightly reflecting the sun beams...but where does the darkness go? It must go somewhere, right? The darkness displaces itself inside my heart, filling in the empty cavity, seeping through the cracks. My veins are chasms. My arteries are invisible. I go for the arteries.

I can't do anything right. I'll be stuck a loser for eternity. A loser. A fucking loser. A FUCKING LOSER!!

I have no musical talent...no athletic talent...there are so many in school better than me. Everyone is better than me. Who couldn't be better than dirt? What pile of crap couldn't be better than me? I hate me. I hate myself.

I have no wit...I am clumsy...I am not attractive by any means...I used to think I was ok-looking.

Now I think I'm ugly. Fat and ugly. But I'm working on that...without working out...just by working.

I have no talents or abilities...nothing latent or inherent except quirks. There are those who excel at everything. There are those who excel at some things. There are those who are average at everything. And then there are the unfortunate ones who suck at everything.

I am one of those unfortunate ones; Luck is not my grace or savior. Good is always proceeded by Bad. Evil will always envelop and destroy Good, ensaring it until no Hope is left...suck at everything but holding a danged camera up...and what monkey couldn't do that?

I tried induced vomitting today. Five attempts and nothing except dry heaving and a little phlegm. Lately, cutting isn't working out so well either. I just don't bleed anymore. I want to know why it was so easy before...when part of me held onto some foolish idea that they'd see. When I still locked doors. When I still shut windows. When I still assumed that people HAD to care such a modicum that they would at least STUMBLE upon my actions inadvertently. But no...never. Never. What good am I if I can't even hurt myself right anymore?

No one cares. No one remembers. Me or what I say. I am alone. From overprotected to completely forgotten...is there a sharper fall? I'm not sure...there is...there was...but I don't like to think about that time anymore.

Where was I? Oh yes...suffocation doesn't work either...regardless of the means and method. I am still allowed to live this cursed life. Waiting for more darkness to find a home in my black hole of an aura...so that the sun can push more into me each morning.

Did I shower today? Do I care? Did I eat today? Do I care? Did I sleep last night? Do I care?

I ask myself. A resounding "No" is all that comes back. But even then...it is unneeded. I knew the answer before I asked the question. The pain returns and reminds...

_Me.  
_  
Sam...me loves you. Me will forever love my second sun. But it is unrequited. Me remembers though. You're like a bullet lodged in my skull. You're stuck there forever, exactly where me wants you.

If you weren't there...I'd be scared. What would me do to myself, if I never knew you existed? I'm not entirely sure me wants to know...

_I._

I live these days. Orbitting the sun, the heat grazing the surface of my dusty heart. Completely incinerating the shell and throwing the rest into nuclear holocaust. But I love seeing the northern lights...

The moon is also so very close. The sun reflected off her luminous surface. Skin off of skin...I love it...but the space between is always so cold. I want to crash straight into you and meld with you, my sun, my moon.

_Me.  
_  
My brain has been roasted. Me is dead. Me wants to be dead again. Me wants you to hold me again! Me wants you to love ME! Is a little reciprocated feeling too much to ask? Me loves you more than anything and everything. Me would die to be with you. Me would kill everything to be with you... Me can never forget. Me can see the line between itself and I all too clearly...all too frequently.

My sun loves it though. She must. She'd be with me now if me were dead. Me wants to die. Die many times. Or maybe just once. Just that one precious time...

_I.  
_  
I'll never--

_Me.  
_  
Me never--

_I._

will remember--

_Me._

will forget--

_I/Me._

that day. You saved us. All of us. In this crazy, anarchal world. You and the others. The NONEXISTANTS. The SECONDARIES. The FODDER. The moon can burn if you'd be with me.

You hugged us twice. You kissed us twice. And you proved to us that you cared in some weird way...just not the way that we want you to.

Is it so much to ask? You're all I ever really wanted...all I ever really needed. And I couldn't have this one thing...this one, wonderful being...I'd be content to stay within the gallows of misery and despair until the universe collapsed if it meant the sun would be at my side! To warm me, to comfort me...to heal me.

_Fredward Benson.  
_  
I love you Sam. No matter how many times I try to distract myself, I always return to the quintissential conclusion. No matter how many other girls I look at; no matter how many times I bleed or suffocate...nothing compares--not even euphoria--to you. You are perfect in every way; I would never think to alter you. The sparring, the fighting...actually it's very kinky. Like a game of cat and mouse. The masochistic mice will always win...regardless of any potential outcome.

I love you.

Don't blame me. Blame insomnia, sleep paralysis, narcolepsy, and depression.

_Freddie._

I love you Sam. That's all there is to it.

I'd try blowing my brains out, but with my luck I'd live somehow...some messed up way...

I'm going insane...and without you I don't really care.

I'm growing desperate...and I need you to help me back up.

You're tired of me. I annoy you. But give me one chance. I swear you'll see something this time. You just have to.

The raven sees so much in me, as do the maple leaves on the sidewalk below.

The sun is rising to scare away the raven. She ascends the stairs and defeats my sympathy. She tells me that I need to get some sleep, that she needs to get some sleep, and that that damn crow was keeping her up.

But it was a raven. Sam is prettier than a raven, and I, personally, enjoy the sun's surreal company more than a bird's.

I pushed the pocket knife with even greater force into my arm, coming down in slow drags. The scissors weren't working.

I prefer arteries over veins.


	2. Morning Sickness

_It comes and it kills  
Cruising the earth  
Attacking your towns  
As you watch from outside  
And no one felt  
Crashes in your hearts_

_There's another way  
Any other one  
Couldn't stop the fingers  
From freezing  
Until you're driven half awake  
All you ever want  
Safe inside the covers and freezing_

_And no one felt anything at all  
Detecting ourselves  
As you watch from outside  
And everyone's thrill  
It crashes in your heart_

I descended the steps slowly. The everpresent bags under my eyes were only slightly less pale since last night. My head hung low; my shoulders drooped; my back arched; I walked with great caution. I never sleep well. I haven't in...forever...

My mind was foggy; my vision was blurry; I felt slightly nautious at the thought of eating food, but I ate breakfast anyways. Something small to get me to lunch. And of course caffiene. I couldn't function without it. I bypassed the kitchen and walked to the bathroom first.

I looked in the mirror...my eyes were bleeding again. They just do randomly every now and again. But I don't really care, I just wash them out and what gathered at the base is gone, leaving behind eyes that were whiter than ever before, yet still rimmed with exaggerated yellow beaches and mazes of red rivers. But the white was white I assure you.

I combed my hair. Why do I even bother? I don't know. Force of habit I guess. My eyes were still weighted within their sockets. I sat down to eat, wondering if I'd ever have the energy or desire to stand back up. Maybe, probably...

I started to eat. Nothing tastes good anymore. Taste buds were scraped from the tip of my tongue a long time ago. As a result whenever they're pulled off again, everything tastes like blood. But now I also have a permanent spot on my tongue lacking taste buds. Nothing tastes right anymore.

I fought back the urge to puke it up and kept the substance down. I used to like it...whatever it was Spencer made! Then Sam walked down from Carly's room and joined us. We had school today. Oh, joy...

"Hey Sam."

"Hey dork. What's with the birds? How do you sleep with them? Do you hope they'll peck you to death?"

"They're good company and relaxing to watch. I didn't sleep."

"I didn't sleep well either because of your nerdy company."

"Sorry."

"How would a bird make good company anyways?"

"I don't know. It's peaceful is all I guess..."

"Whatever...so Carly?"

"Yeah?"

"Are you excited?"

"Excited for what, Sam?"

"Mrs. Briggs told us we get to have class outside today!"

"Oh yeah! I forgot! That'll be nice for a change!"

"I can't believe you forgot! I mean, I sleep through her class and I still remembered!" Sam chuckled. Carly did as well.

"What about you Freddie? You excited too?" Carly inquired.

"Eh...class is class, school is school. I don't want to be there anyways."

"Come on dorkwad! Cheer up! Even you shouldn't be so gloomy and sad! I mean living with your extent of nerdiness should be enough but seriously!"

"Well what's there to be happy about? It'll be hot in the courtyard. And it rained yesterday, so part of it will be flooded through."

"Yeah, but who says we have to stay in school?"

I looked at her, a pensive and serious expression coming across my face.

"You know something? I've always wanted to just ditch school and leave...why not!?"

"Now you're talking, buddy! It'll be just you and me against the world! I'll leave you in stitches!"

"But that's against the rules!" Carly interjected. "If you get caught you'll be suspended!"

"Oh well...more time off from school!" Two teenagers chuckled simultaneously.

There was something about what she said...what she promised me. 'Just you and me...against the world. I'll leave you in stitches!' It warmed his heart and brought forth a new horde of twisted chaos; a new plague of pain and destruction wrought through my chest. It was all I could do not to grip my chest and the intense feeling centered there.

Even so, I couldn't help but smile. Maybe today is my lucky day. Not a LUCKY DAY...those never work. But maybe, just maybe things'll work out just this once without any repercussions.

Something about the smile on her face filled me with foolish naivety. Drunk on her smile, I smiled back: a small smile, but so much more. Today will be at least an okay day.

We pick up our bags and head out the door into the unkown and unforgiving, the cruel, heartless world. I think I can live through just one more day. Just one more...

_Drove so far away  
No one would ever stop  
Couldn't tell the difference  
Between them  
And then you struggle under quake  
Hope you never stop  
Hope you never finish breathing_

_How does it feel  
To clip the patient  
On the wing feather  
Where does the pain stop  
And the tearing through begin  
If ever  
Temperature lockdown  
Way consumed  
Froze in a block  
With a blazing view  
Tazing the numbers  
One through two  
Fit in the standard size  
Without_

_**Our Ride to the Rectory - Team Sleep**_


	3. The Number 7

_In the end we tend to think of how it began  
I could never explain the picture it painted, OR HOW IT MADE ME FEEL  
Now the ceiling's in motion  
The light centered and overlooked  
You want to se me disappear? Well, so do I  
WELL, SO DO I_

_SUCH AQUATIC EVAPORATION_

_We're nothing but hollow vessels in search of what makes us alive  
I never said this was my revolution when you looked me in the eye  
OH, HOW I'VE WALKED THIS WHITE LINE so many times before  
What a feeble attempt JUST TO FEEL ALIVE_

The surface glows red under skin. So smooth; so beautiful. If I could remove these seven layers, the persistent diseases of flesh, the plague's of a face would never again be mine. They would only see red and blue, perhaps black if I were truly dead again. I pull at the skin on my face, but it has not the elasticity which I desire: a complete lack and thereby a tear formed without the dreadful snap of a rubber band. Raven feathers frame my cursed face; the darkness so commonly consorted by those whom seek to define their existence by something called brutality; it is all contained within my heart, within these eyes. Tell me it is fun to not be at peace unless you are bleeding; to come upon the fateful reality that this blood is the only desirable substance within your entire being. Raven feathers dipped in red; I long to be deceased and dead. In coffins I cannot see her smile, and I cannot hear her voice. She brings me to the ends of reality, the very brink of sanity only to thrust me back out into the vortex, filled with knives designed with dual blades to cut me ever more so; to hurt and to distract and to enjoy and to love. And somehow I hope without hope that this time will be different; that this time she will see me as a person capable and worthy of her love; even though I could never be deserving of such gifts; even though I could never be worth enough to be more than fodder to something or someone more powerful than the gates of hell themselves. If there were a heaven, if there were a hell, if we seriously do not sit there and rot in the ground then she must be their keeper, guarding their gates in a sacred duty given to those few and perfect and pure and unsinned. She can do no wrong. She can never wrong me. Even at those times when it seems such impossibilities have occurred, it is only I who is wrong. It is merely my fault, FOR I AM NOTHING BUT DIRT. MUD WITH WHICH SHE CAN MOLD AND TAKE OUT ALL OF HER ANGER; I LONG TO BE USEFUL...to her.

"Hey Freddie, we better get to class or we'll be late. I don't want her to go all nuts and cancel our trip today."

"Oh, okay Carly. Sam."

"So dork; you're not turning chicken are you?"

"What? No way, this is it Sam; we leave and never look back..."

"Except tomorrow of course..."

"What?"

"We do still have to come back to school tomorrow. Look, if you're gonna be all spacey, I can go by myself. I don't need a dork to drag me down and get me in trouble."

"But won't you get in trouble anyways?"

"Yeah, Carly, but where's the fun if you get caught?"

"No, no, no, I promise I'll be good by the time we leave."

"Good because if you ruin this for me; I'm blaming it all on you, Freddo."

"What!? But it was your idea!"

"WAS my idea; you agreed to follow, so as of this moment it's yours."

"But, Sam, that makes no sense..."

"It makes perfect sense! Dorks should always take the fall; THEY are supposed to know better. Besides YOU should be GLAD to take the fall for me."

"C'mon, Sam. Don't you think using Freddie like that is a little mean?"

"What, it's not like I'm using him as a human shield again."

"Ugh, I can still feel the spitballs."

"Yeah, like I said. This is a MUCH more humane use of the Nerdield Nerd + Shield. So, anyways, anyone got the homework?"

"Oh c'mon Sam!"

"Sam! You know we had to have it done to go...and you were the only one who remembered! So why didn't you do your own homework!?"

"Because, Carly. It's homework. And I spent the night at your home, not mine."

"Whatever, Sam. Here you go. Paraphrase a little so that Mrs. Briggs can't tell." I stalked off, while the sun and the moon settled the homework issue. They'd better hurry up or we would be late.

_This is for you and your hopeless case  
YOU NEVER WOULD, YOU NEVER WOULD leave me in your wish to fail every time  
Every time I try_

_Every time you...  
Talk about, talk about it  
At least it makes you feel something INSIDE_

_Who have I become?  
Who have I become?  
OH GOD, EVERYTHING, EVERYTHING, ALL AROUND ME, IS CRUMBLING AT MY FEET  
EVERYTHING, EVERYTHING, ALL AROUND ME, IS CRUMBLING AT MY...feet_

They joined me in the classroom a little later. That was fast. Sam either has really fast hands or went for a pass-only. I chuckled in spite of myself. And I wondered if her blood was truly more beautiful than her white skin. That creamy, yet not pale tone. Wonderful.

"Okay class!!" the teacher piped up. "Today's the day! Everyone got their homework?" Papers exchanged nervous and excited hands. Sam's touched mine. A jet of heat coursed through my veins. Instantaneous combustion upon the surface of a star. The water came in a nervous sweat. Luckily, upon brief inspection it was only the feeling, and I wasn't making a fool of myself.

"Very good. Now that your homework is in we can discuss the rules of going outside."

"Like we'll be needing those..." Sam whispered to no one in particular. I smirked and wished she had said it to me. About me. But the 'we' stood for the class--at least I'm pretty sure it did.

"There is to be no separating of the group. When we approach the courtyard, we will be there to observe and observe only. This is supposed to inspire you for an upcoming assignment. I want to keep it a surprise--"

At that the class erupted with one deep groan of anguish at the thought of futher, tedious work.

"A surprise, I assure you," Mrs. Briggs continued in a somewhat more menacing tone, "that you will all thoroughly enjoy."

"Says her..." Carly whispered, "no one actually enjoys assignments but the twisted teachers that give them..."

"Yeah, what's with them?" Sam replied with a chuckle.

"I don't know..."

"Furthermore, there is to be no music playing. If there are any pear pods out, you will all be forced to listen to some real music. I'm not sure what punishment that's supposed to be because frankly Irish bagpipes are up there with German handbells and yodelling."

"That's for sure," I said. Sam and Carly laughed.

"There is to be no rough-housing and no shenanigans...in fact no fun of any kind. If I hear a chuckle, I want a response saying that you only just realized how bleak your lives would be without my instruction. NOW GET TO IT!"

The students began to file out one by one; the procession slowly winding its way through the halls. Sam and I drifted further and further back until Carly gave us the signal and we scrambled out past the fake camera into the real world. Outside of such a prison, the day seemed somehow better already. The air was crisper and fresher, the sky was bluer, and the grass was greener. It was as if being in that building made the world choleric, robbing us of the day's splendors. Oh, wait! It did!

We rushed down the sidewalk and out the parking lot, trying our best to avoid patrolling staff and any policemen. We saw the cars, yes, but of course the police were gone, probably eating a donut somewhere as Sam surmised. Soon enough we were out to the busy road and walking our way down the street to freedom. Me and Sam. Together. My heart swelled with pride and hope. This is my lucky day.

"Hey dork?"

"Yeah?"

"Race you to the park!"

"You're on!"

_I STARE SO DELICATE AND ASHAMED  
at the shell I've shed myself from  
I STARE SO DELICATE AND ASHAMED_

In the eyes of my ghost  
(This is for you and your hopeless case)  
In the eyes of my ghost  
(This is for you and your hopeless case)  
AND I WILL NEVER LOOK BACK  
AND I WILL NEVER  
AND I WILL NEVER LOOK BACK, AGAIN

_**There Could Be Nothing After This - UnderOATH**_


	4. author's note: ch3 done!

Hey, all done with chapter 3! It was a little rough-going at first...but I put on a song by a band i'd never heard of before

The Messenger - Sky Eats Airplane

and it got me in the mood to do the first part...and after that I just sort of went stream of consciousness. if you have trouble on the speaking parts, sorry. But I HATE writing cues in speaking. Simply because it becomes so tedious and repetitive after a while...i mean there are only so many words you can use in any given situation...even if you do include "rejoinder" xd

only politicians would make up a word for reply to a reply...xd anyways, instead I try to develop the speaking patterns of each character and give them different tones...so you don't need them. But still if you have trouble telling who's saying what...here:

convo. 1:

carly  
freddie  
sam  
freddie  
sam  
freddie  
sam  
carly  
sam  
freddie  
sam  
freddie  
sam  
freddie  
sam  
carly  
sam  
freddie  
sam  
freddie  
carly  
sam  
carly

convo 2. should be a lot easier...but if u cant tell u can msg me

the song is from Underoath's latest album (excluding Survive: Kaleidescope, a live album) Define the Great Line

It's really good, I suggest you purchase it, if you like mathcore/metalcore  
they are christian so it still talks a deal about god and stuff like that...but its bearable and not overblown or anything  
its pretty good music. I got it from hot topic for 12.

oh, and if you haven't already...I suggest you check out Darkened Prince's fic. Iwas Shot. He uploaded the first chapter yesterday and its got all the makings of a good brutal creddie story. It IS under the mature section...but you're reading this aren't you? xd

if the chapter wasn't what you expected or went a way that you thought was just idiotic...send me a msg. its always a little weird starting something up again...and i dont wanna stray from the previous tone if i can help it

the next chapter will probably be fluff and angst and whatnot...we'll see  
any ideas or requests...msg me

reviews are always welcome

cul8r


	5. Lazy

_I see an empty space next to the yellow bumble bee,  
That could be the perfect place to park my broken down ten speed,  
Just tell me when you get off work and where you'd like to meet,  
Then we can peddle up and down the crowded New York streets._

'Huff, huff, huff...' My heart pounded deeply within my chest. I was never a runner; my feet would always end up hurting after a few days...but this was fine. It was obvious that we were both out of shape though. Yes, we...the sun was in front of me...floating across the ground in such a way: she surely drifted above the concrete, feet never really hitting the coarse, insulated mess of cement. If she did we might have a molten pit...I'd get stuck in the tar; I could live with that. To be born of her creation...priveleged, surely.

Like a wave of light with all the beauty of physical form. Wave-particle duality at its finest example within matter: each muscle tensing and relaxing in a somewhat awkward yet perfect, streamlined yet jagged form. I could never get close enough...always a few feet behind, representing eternities in my mind.

The grass....it was soft on my feet, caressing each gently...then scratching across their surface and irritating the entirity of each appendage. This malignant sensation used to be enough to provoke amelioration...but my mainframe was rewired to ignore it. A test of patience and time and willpower and patience and time and l....

If they attack me, like stout warriors should any invader...are they attacking the sun? Are they attacking their source of life? They must admire her from a distance like me, always wishing to eat up a few more rays before the nights over...stimulus for nights to come...for the upcoming loneliness... Or maybe they kiss her skin, lavishing it with tender caresses. Would the air, then, do the same? And the clouds and stars wish to be closer to such radiance? It is foolish to think such thoughts of druidity...but at least this nonsensical view of the world is finite. Regardless of its lunacy, I appreciate the absurd abstractness of this alternative realm of thought, as it provides still more ways to...well, dwell, I guess...to dwell on what could never be...

The children mill about the park, swaying dangerously upon metal and plastic creations....crying out for parents that will probably lose all interest in these people as they develop independent minds...imps persisting in their incessant shrieking of vulgar and derogatory terms. Bar fights in play pits...blood on the wood chips...a few swears, some blasphemy, and finally a breakdown... Normally this chaos depresses me, but I think it will be okay this time.

Sam makes it to the pit and shouts in triumph, proclaiming her victory, ironically, to the sky above.

"Ha! Beat you dork! Man, that was a long way..."

"Yeah...," we both took a few deep breaths, "What do you want to do? We're too big for almost everything...."

"True..." we meandered along the towers and bridges for a few seconds, "but I bet we can still fit in the swings!"

"Uh, I guess so...it'll hurt but yeah." Sam ran over to the swings and sat down in one of the long, black seats, gripping the chains in preparation. I stalled for a moment as there were no more swings available.

"Sorry, no vacancies for the dorking-impaired! Hey don't do that!" she admonished me as I started to motion to push a kid off of a swing. "Jeez, if you want to play with me so very badly then you can push me." She let her feet drop.

"Um ok." I started to push her but didn't get very far because she was dragging her sneakers along the woodchips.

"You're a lot weaker than I thought, nerd herd."

"You're dragging your feet! If I push any harder you'll fall out of the swing!" I playfully brought the swing up higher to illustrate my point. I was enjoying every minute of this; streams of fire were being emitted up my arms from her back.

"Woah, woah, okay, okay! I'll let you push, don't be so childish!" I chuckled along with her and shook my head. Sam is so...sam.  
Back and forth....back and forth...back and forth...endless...endless...endless...bliss...back...and...forth...back...and...forth...back...and...forth... bliss...bliss...endless...bliss...........

_And my shoes are worn out cuz the brakes don't function,  
I just put my feet down; let them drag on the pavement._

Suddenly, she jumped from the seat, allowing the seat to fling back at a different rate, surprising me and hitting me in the pelvis. Luckily, it was more of my hip region. She got up and rushed away...so off I went to follow her....chasing her forever...as Mercury does.

As the dull, metallic pain began to fade, and my wishes for it to persist began to grow...I wondered just where she was leading me on this convoluted journey throughout the park. Past the fountain, around the pond, across the bridge, and back to the benches.

"Maybe we're not as out of shape as we thought. I mean, you're keeping up with a girl pretty well. If I slowed down a few paces, you might just be at my side...or do you prefer it back there?"

I blushed, "Maybe we aren't...man, the view around here sure is beautiful...its a lot different from what it used to be though."

"Yeah...that's why I still come here sometimes...even though I'm not a kid anymore...its nice just to walk around."

"Yeah..."

_When our legs get tired you can pick a spot to eat.  
Evelyn's so elegant and Nikolai's right by her side._

At this point we were just wandering around in no direction in particular, side by side. We came to the edge of the vernal woods (they are at the edge of a suburb) and decided to press on. As we strolled, we noted natural developments that peaked our interests, marvelling at colors and shapes and smells. We didn't really know any of the flora types, but perhaps blindness and mal-information makes things all the more interesting? We came out of the woods and to the other part of the suburb. We walked under power lines, awed by the sheer tension that could be felt tingling along the atmosphere and the amount of voltage that could be heard as sparks travelled and singed the air. Sam saw a flower that she thought looked very pretty in the distance, so I offered to snatch it for her. This detour was excrutiatingly difficult because of the plethora of thorns and burrs, but I finally retrieved the flower and returned with the prize. Sam just took it and said nothing, blushing slightly...her blue eyes confused. Our conversation up to this point had been pretty minimal with the mandatory accusations and aspersions interjected every once and a while. However, it was a very peaceful excursion.

We finally made it back to the park, my heart still audibly thumping in my chest: ventricles clicking open and closed, open and closed with each respiration. Sam spotted a hot dog vendor near a bench.

Sam didn't have any money, so I purchased our meal and we adjourned to the nearest bench. The heat was overwhelming as it reflected off the bench...so we retreated to a shadier place under a tree out by the lake. We ate quietly then Sam threw her wrapper at me, laughing her wonderful laugh. I playfully returned it, and we started a game of catch. Back and forth...back and forth...back and forth...back and forth...till the wind whisked it off course. Out of instinct and habit we both ran to pick it up and got to the area simultaneously. After the third time, our hands actually touched. Bolts of fire discoursed up my veins. I began to ponder the idiotic idea of her returning some feelings for me...but I quickly shoved the stupid premise out of my head, reminding myself just to enjoy the day as it was.

When we grew tired of playing catch, we ran some more, bought some burgers, and sat by the fountain. I flicked a penny into the fountain and Sam condescendingly asked what I wished for, but I ignored her blatent attempt to make me angry. So she splashed me...so I splashed back...soon we both felt guilty and childish, and we retired to a bench yet again. The sun was lower in the sky, so the heat was no longer an issue. And we sat there....in endless bliss....

I looked at her and smiled. "Thanks Sam, I'm having a lot of fun! After we rest up some, do you wanna do anything else? I think I've got twenty, twenty-five bucks left..."

She returned my smile but didn't look at me, "No, no, no, I'm fine...I'm having fun too...and you're welcome Freddie, I mean that's what friends're for right?"

My look transformed into a quizzical one, but I didn't let it show in my voice, "Right."

"No...I think I'm fine right here for now..."

_Under one umbrella, we're just talking and joking,  
And I knew that I'd love you for as long as you'd let me._

My vision went in and out a few times, letting my head dip a bit. And after a courageous move, it discovered her shoulder. She, amazingly, left it there. I was stunned, but reaverred not to be to hasty about things. She was so warm. And her hair was even softer than I thought it would be. She had no specific scent about her, but the air still seemed more fragrant. Then to my further surprise, she leaned her head on mine too. Of course, we soon switched because it was more comfortable for her that way. Enrapture. The flames consumed and enveloped me, singing my skin and imparting a delightful aftershock along my spine. System shutdown...

Her breathing slowed and became rhythmic; she was sleeping; both suns dipped dangerously low in the sky. I remained a stalwart vigil during her slumber, and when she awoke, I remained still until she recovered her bearings. Finally, she proclaimed her desire to find a bathroom, instilling a similar desire within me.

After a frantic search, we eventually found the rest area again. By the time we made it back to the park bench it was night fall; I was not worried. Sam didn't seem very perturbed with this fact either, or at least, it deterred any other desires to exacerbate the day's end.**  
**  
My hand had found her leg, and I pulled it away, frightened yet excited by the experience. I was still too scared to look her in the eyes to really tell what her eyes looked like.

_And I haven't caught my breath since the moment that we met._

After that, I fidgeted a bit, now nervous that I had made too much of a blunder. Sam made a motion to get up and checked her cell-phone, forever disabusing our utopian world... returning us to the penultimate reality that is so frequently boring and monotonous, monotous and boring, lonely and pathetic, harsh and cruel, day in and day out...day in and day out...

She had two brief conversations with Carly and her parents, telling them we'd return home shortly...and that she'd be staying the night at Carly's. As we began to leave the park, I wondered if any of this would really stick in this so-called reality...and if this was a dream...and if my dreams, or nightmares, were really reality...and if consciousness was real or not...and all my regular mannerisms in thought archival, research, suggestion, rumination, conjecture, and discovery.

_We can be alone and not feel lonely.  
I've been drawing these robots with the pen you sent me._

We had almost made it back to the apartment complex, the moon in full shine and worry, when we heard a disturbing sound. A man appeared, half-hobbling and careening dangerously from side to side. He had lost his equilibrium, and he reeked of liquor and cigarettes...this man was drunk.

_And I haven't caught my breath since the moment that we met._

_**Streamline - From Autumn to Ashes**_


	6. Lightning!

_I only hope you understand the invigoration  
that has filled me within these past coming years  
__I have felt more than any other living being on this earth,  
I was born with a resentment only few can understand  
__But to capture everything I'm yearning for within this moment,  
is a feat most men can't comprehend within their lifetime  
__  
__I have fallen from grace in your eyes  
__Only to ache, from the will to return to the place in your heart  
__I know I've captivated something in you, after all these years  
__If you can't see, at least understand__I don't believe that I have ever seen your eyes look so tired  
__In my mind, it's better if we both take time apart and fix ourselves  
__If I decide to reunite with an old friend, or make amends,  
or just pretend to be alright with who you are,  
well I'm not_

**At Least Understand - It Prevails**

It was as if everything was happening in slow motion....the drunkard, he began mumbling about something....something which was very pretty...Immediately I looked to Sam. Bathed in the dim glow of the street lamp, she was breathtaking...not only reflecting the light but seemingly radiating her own luminescence. Surely she was the prize this intruder wanted.

I had taken a glance for only a few seconds....a few seconds too long. I was pushed aside into the wall, while he came upon her. He straightened his spine up to his full, towering height, and I wondered if anything could bring such a giant down. He...He...He punched her across the face before she could even collect herself, still unsure of whether or not to run or fight. She hit the ground with a dull thud; and time stopped. The blade was out in seconds....

Blood began to hit the ground, splattering here and there....again and again and again and again....an agonizing, interminably slow rhythm...a puddle was forming, but the scene did not change.

I was crying. Tears were streaming down my face. I was crying. I who had not cried actual tears in so long. And these were NOT BLOOD. As they fell that immeasurable distance to the ground, they mingled with the blood, creating ripples and waves....I was blind.

I could no longer see; everything was bleary. The blood continued to flow....I didn't know people could even have that much blood inside of them. And the scene did not change.

The moon was ducking behind clouds, anxious to flee from such perversion. It could not be marred, not yet, not at the risk of losing everything it had worked so hard for.

And so the lights died one....by one....until the streets were cloaked in secrecy and protection: a hardened shell that NOTHING could ever hope to penetrate.

Someone was pulling me away.

Someone was pulling him away.

Someone was tugging at my arm.

Someone was crying.

Everyone was crying.

I opened my eyes.

My blood was everywhere....caked in every nook and cranny. Or was it his blood? Did he even have a scratch on him? Were his wounds just concealed by the profuse torrents of life coating him like a second skin? Or was it his blood coating me? Purity poured down from the heavens, cleansing everything in one single inundation of shame, guilt, anger, and bewilderment.

The rain stung my eyes worse than my tears. The blood was a fine mixture of three human specimens, each having lost a gamble of sorts, each searching for happiness in FORBIDDEN places.

Sam?

Sam!

SAM!?

"FREDDY STOP! PLEASE! YOU'RE GOING TO KILL HIM!"

"What? Sam are you alright!?"

"Yes, I'm fine... Oh, Freddy I thought you'd lost it."

"What happened?"

"After he knocked me down, he pulled out a knife! And then you just dashed in and grabbed his arm and punched him in the face and then he stabbed you with it and I thought you were going to die. But you just kept punching him. You never stopped. Not after he stabbed you. Not after he punched you. Not after he fell on the ground. You just kept punching him, and you almost killed him! You almost KILLED HIM! WHAT WERE YOU THINKING, YOU IDIOT!?"

"I was thinking that he was going to hurt you...and...and then I....just...zoned out"

"But what are we going to do? After you go to the hospital, you're gonna go to jail!"

"It was self-defense...and..."

"And there are no witnesses! He can say whatever he wants!"

"I don't care!"

"What do you mean you don't care? You're entire life is over!"

"But you're safe................................................................................and that's all that matters........................all that matters to me."

The rain washed away all the skirmish's evidence; wringing life's hands of the filthy mess. Hair and clothing, now stained a dark red, clung like a second skin. Through his swollen eyes, he traced the path of a single droplet down her face...and then another across her cheek with his broken index finger. The cold cement melted away, as the sirens broke the silence.

One drop made its way to her upper lip before submitting to gravity, however; it did not do so completely, as it left traces, kin preserving its surreal home, overlooking its final resting place.

It seemed only natural to ensnare the survivors in a fate much less painful. As the kiss deepened, the ambulances and squad cars drew closer...but nothing could be heard. Not a sound.

Aching, restless, searching, battling, tongues fought for dominance in a never ending battle to keep its partner closer than humanly possible. Electric shocks with the strength of lightning bolts shot down my nervous system. Over and over and over again. I never wanted this feeling to end....

So it was with a heavy heart, that I was placed in a separate ambulance bound for the hospital for the second time, for our second....for our first real kiss........................................................................................................................................................................................................................ .....................................................................................................................................................................................................................................

.....................................................................................................................................................................................................................................

.....................................................................................................................................................................................................................................

.....................................................................................................................................................................................................................................

.....................................................................................................................................................................................................................................  
..............................................................................................................................................................................................And reality slipped away.

_Forget It!  
__Going home is not an option to ponder upon.  
__I've watched the skies turned black and grey  
__But never as fast as time.  
__This time I'll stay close to you,  
__No one can damage you now.  
__(No)_

_Wait for it but only till tomorrow,  
__Rising to such heights does not take me anywhere.  
__Icarus, I've failed you._

_Burn these wings,  
__So many falls,  
__Teach me nothing._

_But I'm still flying over everything I've seen before.  
__Maybe our hearts should never seen past Crete.  
__Maybe our eyes should have never met from so close._

_Which way home?  
__So far._

**_I'm Not So Far from You (Icarus) - Revenge of the Living Dead_**


	7. author's note: ch5 done!

Hohum….bet you thought you'd never hear from me again….i have a facebook now….and will give it to you if you'd like…I never used my myspace….so we'll see what happens. Anyways…I had the best night of my life a few days ago…it was me and my best friend and two girls till 11 just hangin out doin crap….and then I drove the second girl home and the three of us walked around the firsts' neighborhood and a park n shit till 3 am. Oh there was much failure and she don't like me that way yet….but regardless me n my friend agree that it was the single best night we've had in a long time.

So much better than being _gone_

I also saw the new harry potter…while an okay movie….the fluff in it, along with emma Watson, prompted me to write this….n start reading harry potter again.

So yeh….wtv….ttyl


	8. HIATUS

I awoke this time with a different environment, a different fugue. For one thing, I was smiling. The room seemed brighter, everything did. But most importantly, Sam was right next to me, her head adjacent to mine. i just can't write this.......................................................i'm sorry.

the previous chapter is a suitable end but i don't really want to end it there....but i just can't write this now. so the hiatus continues on into eternity. i may start writing other things again. ive already established that i cannot draw. but what i'm going to write will be very different. mostly deviant, erotic pieces. lemons if you will.

i'm in dysthemia right now, but i have lows very frequently. my anxiety has gained a little ground and keeps me in check in many things. im just a mess right now. nothing's going right. but it's college...i shouldn't give up hope.

i just wish i wasn't ignored all the time. if you're wondering, i have actually managed to move on from the girl whom started this whole fiasco. and am actually trying to get some sort of relationship with anyone i can find. i'm trying to let it happen tho, instead of trying to force it. still not going well tho cuz i commute so i cant spend much time in either place.....n its all just a mess

why am i even bothering to type this.

it's all the same by now all of my friends from before are gone, just like on all the forums.

ill post once or twice and express sincere interest in coming back

then life/depression will intervene

and you wont hear from me for another couple months.

the avoidant personality disorder doesn't help either

yes i'm taking psychology courses now bitches

and ive learned that there's no real treatment for double depression

but ive also learned that there are worse things to be had

wtv. life sucks


End file.
